Finally, a totally cool web page dedicated to the hippest, hottest,
and most totally far out diplomat in the entire world! The sexiest of
all Secretaries of State, the "Mouth of The Mekong" - Henry Kissinger!
Have you ever wondered what that Vietnam War thingy was all about?
Have you ever wondered why South America is so, I don't know… messed up?
If you answered yes to either of these questions, Hank Kissinger is
definitely the man for you! He's like the grooviest, smoothest, most
velvet-tongued stud to have ever embraced foreign policy. And one of the
smartest horn-rimmed hotties to stroll through the hallowed halls of the
White House, since like, I don't know… Calvin Collidge!
Get hip to the latest gossip on all things HANK!
Hank's Hobbies: Sunsets, strolls along Duong Dong beach, reading the
Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, collecting rare sausages
Turn Ons: Heated discussions on foreign policy, girls who wear
glasses, Kielbasa
Turn Offs: White shoes after Labor Day, nailbiters, Oscar Mayer
Most Prized Possesions: His snauzer "Puddles," and a very rare
chorizo that had once belonged to Chilean Prime Minister Augusto Pinochet
Pet Peeves: When Finklemann's deli in Foggy Bottom is out of
Bratwurst, soiled handkerchiefs, the French
Favorite fake illnesses: Dien Bien Flu, East German Measles
Favorite Movies: The Guns of Navarone, How to Stuff a Wild Bikini
Favorite Books: Strategies of Peacetime Diplomacy by Idi Amin, The
Art of Sausagemaking by Fritz Grossfleisch
Favorite Colors: Black, white, and sometimes gray!
Favorite Foods: Knockwurst, Pinklewurst and Creamed Weiner Surprise
What He Would Bring If He Were Stranded On a Desert Isle:
A large woolen blanket, former Secretary of State Alexander Haig, and a
Pepperidge Farm Sausage Sampler
What Hank Looks For In a Woman: A firm handshake, and the ability to
pronounce the word "Ubermensch" without losing a tooth
Most Embarrassing Moment: Being called "a blood thirsty war criminal"
by Tallulah Bankhead while hosting one of Pat Nixon's "Meet a Diplomat"
celebrity mixers
Hank's "Quote or Not a Quote":
1) "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little
longer."
2) "Ehhh, vat's a few million dead Vietnamese between friends?"
3) "Did somebody say blutwurst?"
(All genuine Hankisms!)
Misconceptions about our man Hank:
1) That he's a big fat meanie who's killed like, zillions of people with
just the stroke of his pen (ya, like a pen could do all that!)
2) He's personally responsible for the total destruction of Cambodia and
Laos (Oh my God, like anyone even knows where those places are!)
3) He only likes girls with PhD's (Whew, totally close call)
Hank Quiz - True or False:
1) Did Hank kidnap and kill Chilean Prime Minister Salvadore Allende?
(Oh my God, that is like so totally false! But if he did, the guy
probably totally deserved it!)
2) Did Hank hide the "credibility gap" tapes in his pants to protect
President
